The Art of Receiving and Giving by Betty Martin

Author:Betty Martin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Nonfiction > Psychology > Human Sexuality
Nonfiction > Self-Help > Personal Growth > General
Publisher: Betty Martin
Published: 2021-02-01T23:35:33+00:00

Chapter 13

Lab 3: Play

If its purpose is more important than the act of doing it,

it’s probably not play.

—Dr. Stuart Brown

Back in my chiropractic days, I attended a seminar on using chiropractic with animals. The presenter asked, “How can you tell if an animal is healthy?” The answer: “It plays.” I thought, Well, then we humans are in trouble! Play is a fundamental human need to do something for enjoyment with curiosity and no need for a result. This need is something we are born with. We seem to outgrow the ability to play, but the need for play we never outgrow, and most of us have to learn it all over again.

In this lab, I talk about what play has to do with the quadrants and a few skills it takes to recover it. Then I’ll introduce an experiment.

The elements of play

The key elements of play are that 1) something changes, 2) you respond to the change, and 3) you are open to the outcome.

Change. An example is puppies playing in the yard. One puppy changes direction, and the other responds. One rolls over, and the other responds. The change is moment by moment, and each change invites another change. The changes may be fast, slow, or anywhere in between. Even in a slow-moving game like chess, you have to wait for something to respond to.

Responding to change. That’s where it gets fun. When puppy A turns south, puppy B follows. He doesn’t keep going and wonder why his technique didn’t work. Within limits, the more change there is, the more play is possible. Not enough change, and it gets boring; too much change too fast, and it gets scary.

Responding means improvising; it arises from somewhere within, and we don’t always know where. It’s easier to improvise when you know what the constraints are. In sports, there are the constraints of the playing field and rules of the game. Within those constraints, you improvise moment by moment.

Open to outcome. It has to be an open-ended outcome, or it’s work. Trying to make something happen is not play; it’s outcome management. The more determined you are to get the result, the more tension you feel. Sadly, this is how many people experience sex.

It’s possible to have a goal that is part of your play, like a neighborhood soccer match, but soccer pros are not playing; they are working. It’s also possible to enjoy your work by bringing some element of curiosity and play into it. Otherwise it’s drudgery. Play requires a certain kind of curiosity. Let’s see what happens if…

Play is satisfying as it is. There is no need for an outcome.

A few more things about play. Play depends on both (or all) people choosing to engage. Otherwise, it’s imposition or assault. If you are wanting to play and the other is stuck on a script, it’s going to get frustrating pretty quickly. Play requires that people engage in a way that does not harm themselves or the other and nourishes them in some way.

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